Negative Associations Project - Post #1

Here I have written out a description of a bad memory from my past so that I can figure out all the negative associations it has for my current life in a forum where others can see this and offer hopefully helpful information. If anyone has suggestions as to how I can begin to heal these wounds, please don’t hesitate to tell me your suggestions.

The first full Disney movie I ever saw was at a family friend's house because my hyper-conservative parents would never have allowed it. The family that let me watch it with their son had no idea he was abusing me every time I came to visit. They all laughed and laughed at the movie, but I just couldn't get into it. I couldn’t understand why they were all so excited about a movie about such a jerk as Gaston and talking furniture. At 8 years old I must have already been attempting to use numbness as a coping skill.

During the scene in Beauty and the Beast where the antagonist, Gaston, pulls out his knife and rams it into what looks like the Beast’s leg or back (or bum), is the moment when my abuser looked back at me, shrouded by the dimmed lights of “family movie night” with a wicked grin on his face and wild look of glee in his eyes as he laughingly whispered to me, “That’s what I’m gonna do to you later!”

I never have liked Disney movies much...or happiness...or happy family get-together movie nights. I am currently working towards the goal of having a family of my own soon and I want to be able to enjoy a good animated film with my kids someday.

Do I just hold back the taste of vomit and fear in my mouth and try to ignore the painful memories as I forge forward in hopes of a different association for my life with a family?

Do I tell my future wife about my past or will that just negatively affect her too?

Do I need to add even more counselors to the roster that have tried to help me?

Up next… The story that explains why I avoid music and dancing.

The truth is that I avoid too much happiness because somewhere deep down inside I am afraid for that moment when the joy of all those fools will be revealed as fake and the “bad things” hiding behind the party banners will come out to suffocate their existence like they have done to me for years.